


In the Absence of Confidence

by TopHatCat



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Doctor - Freeform, Starship Enterprise (Star Trek), TOS, Vulcan, space
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 06:35:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16258673
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TopHatCat/pseuds/TopHatCat
Summary: McCoy suffers from lack of confidence. But what if something really goes wrong?Written in 2015 :)





	In the Absence of Confidence

“Help him, Bones!” cried Kirk, cradling Spock in his arms. The Vulcan’s breathing was quick and shallow, and his eyes were closed.  McCoy fumbled with his medicines.

“I-I don’t know what I can do,” the doctor stammered.  “I can’t save him, Jim.”

“You must!” Kirk looked down at Spock, who opened his eyes. 

“Farewell, Captain,” Spock gasped, spreading his hand in the distinctive Vulcan salute.  “Live long and prosper.” Then his eyelids flickered shut and his hand felt to the ground.  Kirk glanced up at McCoy.

“You didn’t save him! Why didn’t you save him?”

“I-,” McCoy couldn’t get the words out. He had no excuse, and the bewildered, sorrowful look in Kirk’s eyes stabbed deep into his heart.

“You’re worthless,” mumbled Kirk, looking away.

“I could have done more!” cried McCoy, jerking awake.  He sat up quickly, breathing hard, and looked around.  He was in his room aboard the _Enterprise_ , not on a planet, not kneeling by Kirk and Spock.  The doctor put his head in his hands and sighed.

_*To*Boldly*Go*_

“What’s the matter, Bones?” asked Kirk, leaning back in his chair.  “You’ve been quiet all day.”  He smiled. “Not even a squabble with Spock.”

McCoy shrugged, cradling the cup of coffee in his hands.  Kirk had come down to sickbay for a visit and coffee, but McCoy didn’t feel like talking.

For three weeks now he had had a nightmare.  Each one was a little different, but each time it was Spock who was dying and Kirk who blamed McCoy for not trying hard enough to save him.

“I’m just tired, Jim,” he said uncomfortably. “I just need some rest, that’s all.”

“Well, you should go to your room and rest then,” said Kirk.

“I have work to do here,” McCoy answered, but Kirk shook his head. “I need my officers in peak condition.”  The captain stood and placed his hand on McCoy’s shoulder.  “Take a little time to relax.”

McCoy nodded and Kirk left.  The doctor pushed away his coffee.  He hadn’t touched a drop.  “Miss Chapel?”

“Yes?” answered the nurse, looking into the room.

“I’m going to my room for a little while,” said McCoy, standing.  Chapel looked concerned.  “Are you alright, Doctor?”

“I’m fine,” lied McCoy, and left the room.

As he walked to his room he passed Spock, who was issuing orders to a technician.  The man moved away and the Vulcan turned to McCoy as he walked by.

“Doctor,” he said with a nod.

McCoy stared at him for a moment, and then hurried on.  Spock looked after him, one eyebrow raised in puzzlement.

When McCoy reached his room he flopped down onto the bed.  He didn’t want to sleep; he knew if he closed his eyes he would have nightmares again.

“Why am I such a fool?” he muttered to himself.  “Why all this now?  I’ve been on a hundred away missions, had plenty of narrow escapes.  I know death’s out there.”  He stared up at the ceiling.  “Maybe I’m just getting old. Paranoia setting in… That could be it.”

His eyes closed and he fell asleep.

And he dreamed.

“You could have saved him and you didn’t!”

“You think I wanted him to die?”

“Yes! You hardly tried!”

“I’m a doctor! Not a miracle worker!”

“You’re not even a doctor!”

He couldn’t escape this one.  McCoy tossed and turned, crying out in his sleep.

In the hall, Spock was passing his door.  The Vulcan paused for a moment, and then entered the room.  He crossed to the bed.  “Doctor, Doctor.  McCoy!”

McCoy woke with a gasp and gripped Spock’s arms.  “I didn’t mean to let you die, Spock!  I didn’t mean-!”  He cut off as he realized where he was.  Spock moved back and McCoy sat on the edge of the bed. “Oh,” he moaned, pressing his hand to his forehead.

“What is the matter?” asked Spock. “What do mean by, you didn’t mean to let me die?”

“It’s nothing….” McCoy sighed.  “Oh…why not tell you?  I’m having dreams, nightmares.  And in them you always die and Jim’s blaming me for not saving you.”

Spock sat in a chair.  “And what is your analysis of these nightmares?”

McCoy shook his head. “I don’t know.  Paranoia?  Stress?  Whatever it is, they don’t stop.”

Spock was quiet for a moment.  “I’m not sure I understand the emotions, but perhaps you have lost faith in yourself.  You need to prove to yourself you are a fine doctor.”

McCoy was silent, even after a compliment from the Vulcan.  “I don’t know,” he said again. He dropped his head in his hands, shoulders shaking.  “Maybe I really am worthless!”

Spock rose to his feet and moved to the doctor’s side.  He gently placed the tips of his fingers on the back of McCoy’s neck and held them there until the doctor relaxed.

“I don’t know, Spock,” McCoy said quietly. “Perhaps I’m just not fit for duty anymore.”  He shook his head.  “Maybe’s it’s time to leave….”  His voice trailed off and Spock eased him back onto the bed.  When McCoy’s breathing was slow and steady, the Vulcan rose and left the room.

_*To*Boldly*Go*_

“Ah, good,” said Kirk as Spock arrived on the bridge, “There is some information concerning a new planet and I wanted to talk with you-.”

“If you will allow that to wait for another time,” interrupted Spock, “I have something more pressing to discuss with you.”

“Oh?” asked Kirk, looking at Spock expectantly.

“If we could go someplace else?” suggested the Vulcan.  Kirk nodded. “Of course.”  The captain rose from his chair and the two went into the lift.

“What is it?” Kirk asked when they were alone.

“Doctor McCoy,” answered Spock, and Kirk immediately gave him his full attention.

“Bones?  Is there something wrong?”

Spock began explaining.  “I don’t understand,” Kirk said as they exited the lift. “Bones is a good doctor, has a good mind. Why would he be like this?”

“Humans are complicated, Captain,” said Spock. “Sometimes you overestimate yourself.  In other cases, you lose all faith.”

“I’d better talk to him,” Kirk said, but before he could move down the hall, a nearby intercom panel beeped.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Kirk pressed the button.  “Kirk here.”

“Klingon ship on the scanners, sir,” replied Sulu.  “We need you on the bridge.”

“I’ll be right there,” answered the captain. “McCoy with have to wait,” he said, disappointed. 

“If he cannot perform his duties?” asked Spock.

“He’ll have to,” said Kirk, and headed for the lift.

_*To*Boldly*Go*_

McCoy jerked awake when the first Klingon torpedo hit the shields.  He sat up and rubbed the back of his neck.  Whatever pressure points Spock had touched, the Vulcan had given him a restful sleep. The first for a while.

“Nice, but disturbing,” the doctor muttered to himself.  He quickly straightened himself up and hurried out into the busy ship as another torpedo smashed into the shields.

He had just made it to sickbay when there was a call over the intercom.

“Report to bridge immediately!”

McCoy hurriedly assembled a selection of medical supplies and ran out of the room.

A few minutes later he stepped out of the lift and looked around the bridge.  Sulu and Chekov were busy at the helm, but Scotty, Uhura and Kirk were by Spock’s station.  McCoy’s heart leapt into his throat as he rushed over.  Kirk looked up at him from where he knelt on the floor.

“The circuits blew when the last torpedo hit us.  He was bending right over the computer…”

McCoy felt like reality and his dreams were crashing together.  _‘I can’t do this, I can’t do this, this isn’t fair,’_ he thought as he knelt next to Spock and reached for the Vulcan’s wrist.

Suddenly the ship shook violently and everyone was severely jostled.

“Shields at twenty percent!” reported Sulu.

“To your stations!” Kirk said, and Scotty and Uhura dashed away.  “Ready phasers!”

“Yes, sir!”

McCoy picked up his medical scanner. “It looks bad,” he muttered, “but with his Vulcan physiology I can’t be sure how bad.”

“You’ve got to be sure!” said Kirk. 

McCoy glanced up. “I’m doing my best, Jim!”

The ship shuddered again.

“Grazed us,” said Sulu. “Shield at ten percent. Phasers ready.”

“Fire, Mr. Sulu!” Kirk ordered.

“A miss, sir!” said Chekov. “Klingon ship moving away.”

‘That gives us a moment,” said Kirk.  “Bones?”

“His pulse is weak,” McCoy said, “And, um…”  McCoy blinked, sweat forming on his brow _.  ‘Why can’t I think?  What sort of a doctor am I?’_

“Ship coming around again, Captain!”’ said Sulu.  “Phasers ready!”

“One more hit an’ our shields will be gone!” said Scotty.

“Hurry up, Bones,” said Kirk. “If you can do anything, do it now!”

“Jim, I’m not fit for duty. I can’t-.”

“Of course you can, Bones!  You’re a top medical officer!  Do your work!”

“My work…”

McCoy looked down and was horrified to find his hand was shaking.  Spock’s eyes opened and his hand gripped the doctor’s fingers.  Then the Vulcan’s eyelids fluttered and dropped shut.

“He’s not breathing!” said Kirk.

McCoy could hear his blood pounding in his ears.  He took a breath and gripped Spock’s hand hard.  “I need to do CPR.  Jim, lay him flat on his back.”

Kirk did so, and McCoy pushed on the Vulcan’s chest.  He repeated the move again. And again.  Kirk exhaled sharply. “It’s not working.  Bones-.”

“Let me do my job!” growled McCoy through gritted teeth.  He struck Spock sharply once more and paused.  “There we go, he’s breathing again.” He reached into his medical pouch and pulled out a hypo.  “This should hold him for a while, until I can do a full exam.”

Kirk nodded.  “Take care of him.”  The captain leapt up and went to the helm. “Phasers on full.  Prepare to fire, Mr. Sulu.”

McCoy injected the medicine into Spock’s arm.  The Vulcan slowly opened his eyes and looked up at the doctor. “Very inconvenient, these human emotions of yours.  How it disrupts your work is most problematic.”

McCoy stared at him, livid. “You try losing complete confidence in yourself and see how it feels!”

“I could not, as I have no emotions,” said Spock.  “Now, if you’re quite finished-.”

McCoy gritted his teeth. “Shut up and lie still. You just had a severe electrical shock, your heart’s weak and I don’t know what else.” 

“I feel-.”

“Dammit, I don’t care how you feel, I’m the doctor!” insisted McCoy. “Don’t move!”  He made a sweep with the medical scanner. “Vulcan stubbornness,” he muttered.  “Now there’s one thing I really wish I could fix!”

“Thank goodness you cannot,” said Spock quietly as he rested his head against the floor.

“Fire!” shouted Kirk.

“Direct hit!” whooped Chekov.  “We got her, Captain!”

“Very good, Mr. Chekov,” said Kirk with a smile. “Lieutenant, inform Starfleet Command of this incident.”

“Yes, sir!” said Uhura.  She looked over. “How is Mr. Spock?”

Kirk jumped up. “Bones?”

“Well, he’s annoying the guts out of me so I think he’ll be fine,” said McCoy. “Of course he’ll need a full exam, and maybe a few days off.  No arguments, Spock!  But I’ll have him fixed up before you need his pointy ears again.” McCoy smiled.  He hadn’t felt this cheerful in a while.

“I quite believe Doctor McCoy is back to his old self, Captain,” said Spock, sitting up.

Kirk smiled. “I think so too, Mr. Spock. “  The captain clapped McCoy on the shoulder and smiled. “Good work, Bones. Fit for duty?”

“Of course, Captain,” replied McCoy.

“Then let’s make it warp factor two, Mr. Sulu,” said Kirk.

The _Enterprise_ shot out into space, with a satisfied crew and a very content doctor.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave a comment! I'd appreciate your thoughts :)


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